I haven’t blogged for a while. A while being a week or so. I’ve been busy I guess. Let me fill you in. I met a boy. So let me fill you in on my present day situation, before I get stuck into my past again.
I went to visit my sister last weekend. The hot sister. Her and her boyfriend got a new flat together and they had a bit of a flat-warming party. That’s where I met Matt. Her boyfriend’s best friend. We got on so well. We just hit it off. Same interests. I could be myself around him. Which is hard for me to do, because I know I’ve got a quirky sense of humour and I always worry what men will think. I liked him from the start, and I could tell he liked me too. We were like magnets towards each other. It was as if we knew each other already. A connection. It’s hard to describe.
I later found out that weekend he just got a girlfriend, and they had been going out – wait for it….TWO DAYS when we met. Two days!! This just sums up my luck. He had been single for years and my sister had always said we would be perfect for one another, and we do finally meet and BAM! He’s taken. I could tell there was something between us, and we spent the whole weekend together getting to know one another. I could be myself around him and we had such a good time.
Although, I should throw in my near death experience. We all went out on the Saturday night and me and Matt decided to race to the next nightclub. My competitive nature almost caused me to get flattened by a jeep as I darted across the road. Smooth. Despite this, I have a feeling I’ll see Matt again. For better or worse, I have no idea!
I came home and reflected on why I had such a laugh with this guy. Maybe dating isn’t for me? It’s so formal and almost like an interview. I need to tell you all about my nightmare dates. I will in the next few weeks. But for me I can’t be myself on dates. I try so hard to impress that I shut out what makes me, me. I don’t express myself or joke like I normally do, and I come home feeling…bored, or as if we are incompatible. Is it better getting to know someone as a friend first and deciding your feelings and then making the decision to date? Also, do I tend to like unavailable guys? It’s safe and I can fancy from a distance without putting myself on the line. I’m noticing a pattern in my life, that will become clear in blogs to come.
I’m home at the minute. When I say home I mean to my home town. I just spent the evening with my parents. We drank wine. I drank wine. I’m looking ahead past the laptop screen and I’m not going to lie, there are 4 empty bottles. Good going eh?
My Gran is an amazing woman. She is currently on her death bed. She lived to the grand old age of 89, served in her country’s army and raised 3 kids, including my aunty who suffered from severe brain damage due to a lack of oxygen during her childbirth. I don’t want to get to much into it, this blog is not to discuss these sort of issues but there was something that happened as I was by her beside that tugged on my heart strings and made me believe in true love again, it rekindled my faith. My Gran does not have an illness of such, she’s just going downhill due to old age. She was one of those people I never thought would go, who I never thought would leave me. She was always so strong. I say this because she lost her husband, and my Granddad when I was 7 years old. I remember being sat in her kitchen, knowing of the loss but not feeling the grief of those around me – something I have always felt so guilty about. I think it was just because I was so young and I didn’t understand, although I think the guilt I felt was due to me thinking maybe it was because they loved him more than me. How much did I love him? A lot. Why do I grieve differently? I don’t know? Is love and loss the same level of emotion? Just on the opposite end of the spectrum? I so why don’t I grieve like everyone else? I think I bottle things up. In fact I know I do, something which cost me dearly last year and health-wise took a year of my life. Again, I will tell this tale in time.
Gran kept upbeat and made me dinner that day, asked me about school and made sure I had my homework done. Everything was normal. She felt ok too, I thought. That was until a family friend called to the door and she went into the hall to answer. I heard her cry. She said she doesn’t know what she’ll do without Tom, my Granddad. Then she pulled it together, and came back into the kitchen and smiled at me. She was protecting me, I am now sure. From the existential concerns that emerge in childhood. From the fear of losing someone close to you.
I think about this stuff a lot. I have so much love for people who are close to me in my life, so much so that it hurts at times. Each of these people are irreplaceable to me. The reason for my happiness. And at times my sadness. I’m happy and I’m sad. But neither emotions are so extreme that they impede on my welfare. I’m just here, living some days, existing others….trying to find out who I am, and what I want, and why.
Anyway, back to my original point. My sister and I were by my Gran’s beside, and she was going in and out of consciousness. We didn’t want her to go, we never will, although it is inevitable. My sister tried to communicate with her ‘What day is it Nana?’ No answer. ‘Nana, do you know who I am?’ No answer. I sat there numbed by the fact that a life might end before my eyes, and a very special life at that. My sister tried again ‘Nana how did you meet Granddad?’ Gran smiled. She’s still here! She smiled with her eyes closed and uttered breathlessly ‘Up the town’. My heart raced. My sister then asked ‘What happened then Gran?’ to which she replied ‘He went away with the army soon after, and a year later he….’ she paused for a long time, even that sentence took all her energy. ‘……he came back, and found me….and we fell in love’ That was all she said, or could say. Her eyes remained closed but her smiled spoke a thousand words. It warmed and broke my heart all at once.
My life. My timing is always wrong. I always meet Mr. Wrong. Is my attitude wrong? Am I doing something wrong? What is wrong? I don’t know. But I have hope. Still. I have some hope, my Gran without even meaning to re-instilled that hope in my heart.
This is completely off topic but I would also just like to say that I started reading Nelson Mandela’s autobiography today. He is an amazing man. I’m almost 200 pages into it, I couldn’t put it down. I highly recommend it to everyone out there.
I think I need to believe in myself more. I think I base my self worth at times on the fact that I have been single all these years. I need to make sure my confidence doesn’t suffer as a result. I know I’m not a bad person. Maybe just overlooked. But I will leave you all with this….
‘…we accept the love we think we deserve.’