I just had a lovely evening with my friends. We baked, drank tea and chatted about my many failed dates these past few weeks, which I will blog about in time. I honestly don’t know what I would do without my mates. They love me even if no man will.
Anyways, less of the emotional jargon! At 11pm I set off to get the bus home to my house (it’s a 20 minute journey). What could possibly go wrong? I’ll tell you what. Its pitch dark, and the area is poorly lit. I missed the last bus. My phone battery had died. There were no taxis in sight. The nearest station was a ten minute run away, and the last train was in 15 minutes. What did I do? I ran. Ran like the wind. It was at this point that I realised I watch far too much Criminal Minds, as the whole time I was certain I was being followed. I reached the old train station and I then had to sit on a bench for 15 minutes in the dark, surrounded by trees and rubbish, waiting for the last train to come and take me to safety. The train was delayed. Standard. Get on the train and it was full of drunks. When I finally reached my destination, I jumped off the train, rain out the exit and literally sprinted towards my home. I stubbed my toe on a dip in the tarmac and fell forward, sending my ipod skimming across the road. What scared me the most is I picked myself up and darted to retrieve it, without even checking for oncoming traffic. I’m now home safely and after a traumatic end to the evening, I’m just going to sprawl out a few reflections on my teenage love life that I have shared so far.
If my teenage self was here, and had the wisdom of hindsight she would say, ‘I have no confidence. In myself or in the fact that a boy might like me. I’m self destructive. I push people away and then I realise what I ‘lost’ when its too late. I have shown a tendency to go for boys who are ‘unobtainable’ in a sense. Boys whom I, deep down, know aren’t interested in me. Is this a defence mechanism? I can’t get my heart broken this way…but it wounds my self-esteem unbeknownst to me. A vicious circle. I’m protecting myself, but I’m wrecking myself.’
Is the bravest thing we can do as humans really, really let ourselves live and love? Really allow ourselves to give our hearts to someone else, knowing that should they leave for whatever reason, that our worlds will crumble beneath us? Or would we prefer to just settle instead? Safe in the knowledge that we are still somewhat in control of our hearts. Should we not love so hard because it can be taken away in the cruellest manner, or should we develop the true courage to take the risk, take the life changing plunge and find that one person who completes our every being? Are we brave enough to allow ourselves to be truly happy?
I’ve not lost hope yet, even today. I want to take the risk, despite the many stumbling blocks I have hit along the way, all of which I will blog about in the coming weeks.
Where are you? Where is this man for me?
Though nothing can bring back the hour,
Of splendour in the grass,
Of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find,
Strength in what remains behind