Tag Archive | Travel

My First Deep Analysis…

I just had a lovely evening with my friends. We baked, drank tea and chatted about my many failed dates these past few weeks, which I will blog about in time. I honestly don’t know what I would do without my mates. They love me even if no man will.

Anyways, less of the emotional jargon! At 11pm I set off to get the bus home to my house (it’s a 20 minute journey). What could possibly go wrong? I’ll tell you what. Its pitch dark, and the area is poorly lit. I missed the last bus. My phone battery had died. There were no taxis in sight. The nearest station was a ten minute run away, and the last train was in 15 minutes. What did I do? I ran. Ran like the wind. It was at this point that I realised I watch far too much Criminal Minds, as the whole time I was certain I was being followed. I reached the old train station and I then had to sit on a bench for 15 minutes in the dark, surrounded by trees and rubbish, waiting for the last train to come and take me to safety. The train was delayed. Standard. Get on the train and it was full of drunks. When I finally reached my destination, I jumped off the train, rain out the exit and literally sprinted towards my home. I stubbed my toe on a dip in the tarmac and fell forward, sending my ipod skimming across the road. What scared me the most is I picked myself up and darted to retrieve it, without even checking for oncoming traffic. I’m now home safely and after a traumatic end to the evening, I’m just going to sprawl out a few reflections on my teenage love life that I have shared so far.

If my teenage self was here, and had the wisdom of hindsight she would say, ‘I have no confidence. In myself or in the fact that a boy might like me. I’m self destructive. I push people away and then I realise what I ‘lost’ when its too late. I have shown a tendency to go for boys who are ‘unobtainable’ in a sense. Boys whom I, deep down, know aren’t interested in me. Is this a defence mechanism? I can’t get my heart broken this way…but it wounds my self-esteem unbeknownst to me. A vicious circle. I’m protecting myself, but I’m wrecking myself.’

Is the bravest thing we can do as humans really, really let ourselves live and love? Really allow ourselves to give our hearts to someone else, knowing that should they leave for whatever reason, that our worlds will crumble beneath us? Or would we prefer to just settle instead? Safe in the knowledge that we are still somewhat in control of our hearts. Should we not love so hard because it can be taken away in the cruellest manner, or should we develop the true courage to take the risk, take the life changing plunge and find that one person who completes our every being? Are we brave enough to allow ourselves to be truly happy?

I’ve not lost hope yet, even today. I want to take the risk, despite the many stumbling blocks I have hit along the way, all of which I will blog about in the coming weeks.

Where are you? Where is this man for me?

Though nothing can bring back the hour,

Of splendour in the grass,

Of glory in the flower,

We will grieve not, rather find,

Strength in what remains behind


Holiday romance #1

It’s 2003. I’m now 14. My family and I are going to Puerto Rico for 2 weeks. Here’s where I’m at: I’m just after closing my Tom-boy phase. I’ve hit puberty, and have become more conscious of my looks and how I dress. I played around with wearing girly clothes but never really felt very comfortable. I don’t know if other ladies can empathise with this but I always felt as though I was copying others, be it celebrities or peers, but never really found my niche. After all, I did dress like a boy up until now. It took me another 9 years to be fully comfortable with my body and individual style. Again, a story for another day.

My older sister is the ‘hot one’ in my family. I will admit that. It was at this age that I began to notice it. Boys I tended to take a shining to, made a bee-line towards her. It didn’t help that there was only a year and 5 months between us.

Our first few days in Puerto Rico, my sister had a few young male followers. I was happy to just have others our age to play some sports with, and tried to keep the fact that I was being largely ignored while she was in the vicinity to the back of my mind. Then along came, I’ll call him…Luke.

Luke was 2 years older than me. We had so much in common. He took an interest in me. ‘He must like my sister’ I thought. But I continued to spend large amounts of time with him. On his second last night in Puerto Rico Luke called for me, and we went to kick a football by the pool. The ball landed in the middle of the pool, which signalled the end of that game. We sat on the wall. I don’t know if I imagined this, but I could have sworn we had ‘a moment’. He moved his head slightly forward towards mine, and I quickly turned the other way and commented on whether or not we could get the ball out of the water. Why did I do this? I don’t know! Confidence I guess. I thought he didn’t like me. I need to work on this. All women who feel like this do.

On his last day we exchanged addresses. We wrote to each other when we both got home. But that soon stopped and Luke became a distant memory.

Until 6 years later. I’m now 20.

I moved countries to attend university. After a particularly long night on the tiles, my friends and I were queuing for food in the only take-away that was open, when I turned around and I saw him. He looked like a man now. My heart took a jump. A gorgeous man. We made eye-contact. ‘Luke???’ I asked. He remembered me straight away and we embraced. What are the chances? We both moved to the same country and same city to attend university, albeit he was almost finished his degree. We exchanged numbers. I was genuinely so happy to see him.

‘My luck must be changing!’ I thought. I had a bad run up until now. The next day we arranged to meet for drinks over the phone. Friday was the chosen day. But we had yet to specify a location. I went out that night. It was a Tuesday. I drank too much, and I lost my phone. With it I lost his number. I never saw him again. The one who got away, due to my inability to hang onto my possessions after a few vodkas.

That was the end of that.